Tag Archives: mom

We need to talk… about MISCARRIAGE

14 Feb

Love it or loathe it, it’s here again: Valentine’s Day. Ah, the day of love. A day of long-stemmed roses, boxed chocolate and greeting cards inscribed with prose. A day of old flames, new flames, sparks that will become the flames of tomorrow and the embers of loves past. A day of love hearts, broken hearts and lonely hearts. While the cynic in me scoffs at the commercialism of the day, the romantic in me loves the notion that there is one day each year devoted to love. But for me Valentine’s Day has become a time to reflect on a love that never came to be. On Valentine’s Day 2010, I had a miscarriage.

The year 2010 was shaping up to be a stellar one for Mr Wonderful and I. I had just turned 30 and Mr Wonderful was about to turn 40. We had recently returned home from a whirlwind trip to New York where Mr Wonderful had popped the question (and in the most romantic of ways I might add). Wedding planning had begun in fervour, and after only a few months of ‘trying’, I had fallen pregnant to the most wonderful man in the world (forgive the schmaltz, it’s Valentine’s Day after all).

I was so excited to be pregnant. I felt blessed and amazed that Mr Wonderful and I had created a new life out of our love for one another. And as is so often the case when good things happen to us, we wanted to share our joy with our nearest and dearest. Although our family and friends were thrilled by our news, many were shocked that we had let them know so early in the pregnancy. “You shouldn’t talk about it,” we were told. “It’s bad luck to tell people before 12 weeks,” some said. “What if something bad happens?”

Well, something bad did happen. I had cramps and started bleeding. We rushed off to the hospital hoping against hope that all was okay and that this was just a minor hiccup. But an ultrasound confirmed our greatest fear – the heartbeat we had watched and heard with such exhilaration just days ago was nowhere to be found. I had suffered a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I was absolutely devastated. So many questions swirled through my mind. Why had this happened? Had I done something to cause the miscarriage? What effect would this have on mine and Mr Wonderful’s relationship? Would these overwhelming feelings of emptiness, loss and grief ever go away?

Through the haze of my grief I had a realisation. Yes, this sad event had occurred, but the most important people in our lives, our family, our friends knew of my pregnancy. So surely they would also understand our distress and sorrow at losing this pregnancy. When something bad happens it is important to ensure that you have a support system around you. Someone to lend an ear; a shoulder to cry on; a constant presence in the background of your life. What I discovered though is that unfortunately miscarriage remains an uncomfortable subject in our society. Talk of miscarriage is taboo and is often avoided. Editor and author Irma Gold summed it up beautifully in a recent blog post on MamaMia:

“…women grieve alone, misunderstood by those closest to them. We are expected to move on – quickly, quietly – to get over what was just a biological glitch. Life goes on.

And it does go on. But many women silently carry the wound of a miscarriage with them. The problem is, if we don’t talk openly about miscarriage then it will always remain this secret unspeakable thing. A hidden wound.”

And so dear reader, that is why we need to talk about miscarriage…

What is a miscarriage?

In Australia, a miscarriage is defined as a pregnancy that ends before 20 weeks gestation. A miscarriage within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy is called ‘early miscarriage’. Those that occur in the weeks after are ‘late miscarriages’. Approximately 80% of miscarriages occur before 12 weeks.

How common is miscarriage?

It is estimated that 15 to 20% of known pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Results from the Australian Longitudinal Study on Women’s Health show that for every three women who have given birth by their early 30s, one has had a miscarriage. These figures are often received with surprise – given the high prevalence of miscarriage it is amazing how little it is acknowledged and talked about openly.

What causes a miscarriage?

Miscarriages usually occur because a pregnancy is not developing properly from the start. Often a miscarriage is the result of chromosomal abnormalities or a failure of the embryo to implant properly into the uterus. The chance of having a miscarriage increases with age and with carrying more than one baby (i.e. twins, triplets, etc). Smoking during pregnancy and drinking alcohol may also increase the risk of miscarriage. However, usually no treatable cause is found for a miscarriage.

An important point to remember is that it is very rare for a miscarriage to occur because of something the mother may or may not have done. This can be hard to accept when coming to terms with the loss of a pregnancy. It is so common for women to search for reasons as to why they may have miscarried.

What about future pregnancies?

One of the most common concerns following a miscarriage is that it might happen again. The good news is that up to 97% of women who experience one miscarriage will go on to have a healthy baby with a subsequent pregnancy. Also, up to 75% of women who have had three or more miscarriages will have a subsequent normal pregnancy.

How might I feel after a miscarriage?

There is no ‘right’ way to feel after a miscarriage. According to the Royal Women’s Hospital some people experience a range of physical or emotional reactions, while others feel quite indifferent. Some degree of grief is quite common, and the pain of the grief experienced after a miscarriage often comes as a shock. Feelings of guilt, anger, denial, shock and depression are perfectly normal. Even after dealing with these feelings they can recur, especially around the date of the expected birth or the anniversary of the miscarriage. The important thing is to take it one day at a time. Acknowledge your feelings and reactions as they arise. It is healthy to grieve following a pregnancy loss. Grieving is an essential step in the healing process and paves the way to emotional preparation for your next pregnancy should you choose to follow this path.

How might my partner feel after a miscarriage?

Of course it’s not just mothers who are affected by the grief of miscarriage. It is also vital to acknowledge the loss experienced by their partners. So often it’s the partner’s “job” to tend to the physical and emotional needs of the mother, usually at the expense of their own needs and their own grief. Blogger Clint Greagen expressed his frustration with this very issue in an article describing a man’s perspective on dealing with the loss of a baby. He explained how the questions and concerns he received were “generally directed towards me but in nearly all cases were about Tania” and went on to say “I began to feel as if I wasn’t entirely involved”. We must recognise that miscarriage is likely to affect the expecting partner as well as the mother, even though it may be in different ways. The partner’s emotions and needs are equally important and valid, whatever they may be.

There is a weight of silence that hangs over the subject of miscarriage. We need to lift the taboo surrounding miscarriage and acknowledge all those babies that never quite came to be. The fact of the matter is that miscarriage happens, and it happens more often than we realise. No matter how common miscarriage is, the pain and sadness experienced by many is real and needs to be openly acknowledged and honoured. And that is why we need to talk about miscarriage.

Happy Valentine’s Day xoxo

Useful resources

Related articles:

Royal Women’s Hospital fact sheet: Miscarriage: After a miscarriage

Huggies Australia: Miscarriage and loss

Better Health Channel: Miscarriage explained

General contact options:

  • Your GP
  • Community Health Centre
  • Nearest emergency department
  • Nurse on Call 1300 60 60 24

The following organisations offer support and information:

SANDS Australia – miscarriage, stillbirth & neonatal death support

Website: http://www.sands.org.au/

Ph: 13 000 72637

Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement – bereavement counselling & support service

Website: http://www.grief.org.au/

Ph: 1800 642 066

Wakey wakey… Coping with sleep deprivation

17 Jan

Greetings faithful reader. Let’s play a little game I like to call “Have you ever…?” Have you ever loaded up the car, put the keys in the ignition ready to head out for a play date only to realise that your most precious cargo is still in his cot inside the house? Have you ever hurled abuse at your life partner for hiding the TV remote only to open your handbag and find said remote sitting in the compartment that normally houses your mobile phone? Have you ever stared blankly at a pregnant customer asking for a headache tablet that is safe for her to use? You know that there is some sort of medication she can take; you think it might start with a ‘p’. What’s it called again? Have you ever had an entire conversation with Janet from your mother’s group only to walk away and remember that her name is actually Sarah, you do Pilates together and she in fact has no children? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are either a few letters short of an alphabet, or more likely you’re a few z’s short of a decent sleep.

Everyone warns you, but no one can truly prepare you for the reality of postnatal sleep deprivation. Having suffered from insomnia for most of my adult life I thought the sleepless nights with a newborn would be a breeze. Sleep deprivation, or the reduced length of sleep due to an externally imposed restriction of the opportunity to sleep, was a whole new ballgame. Many people say that sleep deprivation is like torture. I’m here to tell these people that they are mistaken. Sleep deprivation is not like torture, it is torture – a tactic favoured by the KGB and the Japanese in PoW camps during World War Two. While I’m fairly sure Boy Wonder isn’t working for the Mossad or CIA, his recent night-time activities have transformed me into a perpetually exhausted zombielike being. So why is sleep so important?

As human beings we spend one third of our lives sleeping. The consequences of not getting enough sleep are pretty clear. If you’ve ever pulled an all-nighter or had to deal with a screaming baby at all hours, you would be familiar with these consequences – forgetfulness, grogginess, grumpiness and reduced awareness. As mother Fiona Sugden wrote in a recent post on Mama Mia, “It is a first world problem, but long-term sleep deprivation can be a serious one for many people.” Losing sleep affects mental agility and response time. Studies show that chronic sleep deprivation leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol level of 0.05%. The Chernobyl nuclear accident, the Exxon Valdez oil spill and the Challenger space shuttle disaster have all been attributed to human errors in which sleep-deprivation played a role. While raising a child may not be the same as running a nuclear power plant, trying to operate a child while sleep deprived is not without its own dangers.

A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours of lost sleep for parents in the first year. While there isn’t much you can do to change the quantity of sleep you get, it is possible to manage the quality of sleep you get. Here are a few things you can do to improve your sleep.

1. Listen to your body

Most bodily processes including the sleep-wake cycle are controlled by an internal ‘clock’ within the brain. To get quality sleep you need to obey your clock.

  • Don’t ignore tiredness. If you find yourself falling asleep on the couch or in the rocking chair in your baby’s nursery, GO TO BED.
  • Create a relaxing bedtime routine. Once you’ve established a regular bedtime routine for your baby, do the same for yourself. About an hour before bed, turn off the TV and put aside the work you’ve brought home. Make a cup of herbal tea or warm milk, take a warm bath, curl up with a good book, anything as long as it is relaxing.
  • Don’t force yourself to fall asleep if you’re not ready. If you haven’t fallen asleep after 30 minutes, get up, go to another room and listen to some soothing music or read until you feel sleepy.
  • Get enough early morning sunshine. Exposure to light during early waking hours helps to set your body clock.

2. Make your bedroom more inviting

Quality sleep is more likely if your bedroom is a restful and comfortable place.

  • Keep your bedroom at a comfortable temperature. To drop off we must cool off, which is why those hot summer nights can cause a bad night’s sleep.
  • Block out light and noise which can wake you from a light sleep. If noise is a problem, consider purchasing a sound machine or even just a pair of earplugs. Don’t worry, you will still hear your baby. Parents are hardwired to hear their offspring’s cries.
  • Use your bed only for sleep and sex. If you are in the habit of paying bills or watching TV in bed, stop. You should associate your bed only with bedtime activities. Remember: Try to clear your mind; don’t use bedtime to solve your daily problems.

3. Just say no!

Some people resort to medications or ‘social drugs’ in the mistaken belief that sleep will be more likely. Here’s why you should just say no:

  • A cup of coffee or a cigarette in the afternoon can delay sleep onset even hours later, and more than a couple of standard drinks may make your sleep more restless. Don’t forget that caffeine may also be found in chocolate, soft drinks, and various medications.
  • Sleeping pills may also be more of a hindrance than help. They may cause daytime sleepiness, and may also have a ‘rebound’ effect whereby falling asleep without them tends to be even harder.

4. Relaaaxxx

Stress often reduces sleep quality.

  • If random thoughts are keeping you awake, keep a notepad by your bed so that you have a place to unload them until the morning.
  • Move your body with some exercise during the day, making sure to finish up at least three hours before going to bed.
  • Give relaxation exercises such as yoga, progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing a try. Baby Centre has a great article on relaxation techniques for parents.

5. Miscellaneous suggestions

A few more handy hints include:

  • Avoiding heavy meals close to bedtime.
  • Snoozing for a maximum of 15- to 20-minutes during the day to help improve alertness, sharpen the mind and generally reduce the symptoms of fatigue.
  • Turning your clock to face the wall to prevent you from counting the minutes you are still awake.
  • Reminding yourself that this phase of your life will pass and that one day soon you will experience uninterrupted sleep once more.

Well, it’s time to practice what I preach, shut down the old computer and lie down on that thing with the mattress where you sleep. What’s it called again?

To Grandma’s house we go… Is it ok to sedate your baby for travel?

20 Dec

A few weeks ago Mr Wonderful announced that his work Christmas party was coming up and he would be flying to Sydney to attend. Since his parents live in Sydney, I thought why not kill two birds with one stone? While Mr Wonderful was off having a ball with his colleagues, I would take Boy Wonder up to spend some quality time with his grandparents. So, to Grandma’s house we went…

I was overcome by a feeling of calm and serenity. We had successfully completed our maiden voyage to Sydney and back with Boy Wonder when he was just eleven weeks old. He was a perfect specimen of baby back then. About three hours of air travel in total, and not a peep out of him the entire time. Surely travel with a twenty week old would be just as easy? Oh how wrong we were! Yes that’s right folks, my baby had the audacity to cry on the plane. My usually placid, happy child turned into a screaming, crying demon child! I broke into a sweat as I felt all eyes lock on us and saw people nudging each other then pointing in our direction. “Oh my goodness,” I said turning to Mr Wonderful. “It’s happened! We’ve become ‘one of them’. We have the screaming baby on the plane!”

Many parents dread taking their baby on a plane or other public transportation for extended periods. How on earth are you going to change your baby’s nappy in the awkward confines of an aeroplane toilet? What is the nicely dressed man sitting next to you going to do when he gets off the plane and realises he has a little baby vomit on his suit? Will your baby scream the whole way? Are your fellow passengers going to give you dirty looks and try to chase you off the plane with pitchforks and torches?

It’s not unusual for parents to consider avoiding such potential problems by medicating their baby to sleep. A recent survey by NBC’s Today Show and Parenting.com uncovered a startling finding. Of the 26,000 mothers asked about their deepest, darkest secrets, one in five admitted to medicating their child to get through a special event such as a plane flight. One in twelve mums does it just to get some peace and quiet on a regular night. Dr Nancy Snyderman, NBC’s medical expert, said she believes the one in five number is actually low.

Medication is a tempting way to keep your baby quiet for a few hours on a plane.  Truth be told, the idea of sedating Boy Wonder during this short trip to Sydney did briefly cross my mind. So is it ever ok to give your baby medication to get through a flight or even so that you as a parent can get some sleep? This very question caused an uproar on channel 7’s Sunrise earlier this year. Sunrise GP Dr Ginni Mansberg weighed in on the debate stating that sleep deprived parents “need our compassion and not our judgement”. She advocates the use of some over-the-counter medicine every now and then for parents requiring a decent night’s sleep.

While I both sympathise and empathise with parents who are sleep deprived, I believe both as a pharmacist and a new mum that any potential benefits are not worth the possible health risks. According to Australia’s drug regulatory body the Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA), there have been a number of overseas reports of serious adverse effects among infants and children given over-the-counter medicines containing sedating antihistamines. “These things are not ok for under two-year olds” says Dr Ginni, “because their metabolism is still developing and there have been some severe reactions even at the correct doses”. In fact, as of September 2008 medicines containing sedating antihistamines became ‘prescription only’ for children less than two years in Australia.

With Christmas and summer holidays upon us here in Australia, I get bombarded at the pharmacy with requests from parents for sedating antihistamines for their babies. I try to counsel parents about ways to make travel with a baby a little easier without medicating. Some handy hints include:

  • scheduling flights during baby’s sleep times;
  • choosing an airline that has bassinettes in the bulkhead which allow your baby to sleep well in something other than your arms;
  • trying to feed your baby during take-off and landing to help equalise their ears and for comfort;
  • bringing a goody bag of new books, toys and favourite snacks to keep baby occupied while they are awake;
  • trying to stay relaxed yourself because baby can sense when you are feeling tense and will most likely stress out too.

If you do decide to try sedating your baby for travel, be sure to follow these tips:

  • Discuss your plan with your child’s doctor or pharmacist. Some medications are unsafe if your baby has certain health conditions or is taking other medications.
  • Ensure you understand the correct dosage by discussing with your doctor or pharmacist.
  • Do a test run of the medication before you travel, and monitor your baby for side effects.

The bottom line is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I guarantee you that someone else feels overwhelmed by the prospect of travelling with a screaming child (lots of people actually). Someone else will medicate their child, or question their decision to medicate or brave it with no sedation at all. Just remember that no matter what you decide to do, be safe, be smart and be confident in your decision. Ultimately all any of us want as parents is to do our best for our children. Sometimes that means spending four days in a foreign city with our in-laws, but that is a story for another time…

Happy holidays to all xoxo

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A mother’s right to choose – when is the right time to return to work post baby?

13 Dec

During my pregnancy I suddenly sensed a shift in the force. Being a shy and somewhat reserved person, I found this shift both intriguing and unnerving. You see, it turns out that when you have a baby your every decision becomes fodder for discussion and debate. Family, friends and strangers alike bombard you with questions and advice ranging from what haemorrhoid cream is best during pregnancy to what parenting style should be followed. Being a fairly career-focused woman, the question I was asked most often was, “When will you be returning to work?”.

I couldn’t believe the controversy I created when I told people I would most likely be back at work within a couple of months of having Boy Wonder. “No way,” they said. “You’ll see, once you have that little baby you’ll never want to work again!” This wasn’t everyone’s view mind you. Those people who know me well understand that my work is a big part of who I am. And with that feeling in my heart, I left 18 week old Boy Wonder in the care of his grandmother last Monday and spent the day at work. I thought just talking about an “early” return to work was controversial, but actually carrying through with it caused quite a furore. Everyone had an opinion. I was told that I would ruin my relationship with my son, that I would no longer be able to breastfeed, that my son may resent me when he’s older, that 18 weeks is not the right time to return to work.

So when is the right time to return to work after having a baby? According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in 2007 the average length of maternity leave taken by Australian women was 34 weeks for those taking a combination of paid and unpaid leave. On average, those taking only paid leave were back at work after 17 weeks. Perhaps the introduction of the federally funded Paid Parental Leave scheme which provides up to 18 weeks paid leave at the national minimum wage will change the average length of maternity leave. However, are finances the only factor considered when deciding when to return to work?

My answer to that question is a resounding NO! Many people assume that I have chosen to return to work for financial reasons. Why else would you leave your precious, defenseless baby in the care of someone other than yourself, the parent? Now I’m not suggesting that Mr Wonderful and I are rolling in it. Our finances were certainly one reason I decided to return to work. But there were many other reasons as well.

As a new mum and a Jewish woman, I was wracked with guilt when pondering the maternity leave question. Will my baby suffer if I’m not with him all the time? Will I still be able to breastfeed if I return to work? What if something happens and I’m not there? Will our bond be strong enough to withstand our not spending every waking moment together? Will people judge me for returning to work and not being a stay-at-home mum? How will I cope with the judgement? At the same time I was also worrying about my job. How much leave would my boss find acceptable? Will my replacement do a better job than me? Based on the answer to the last question, will I have a job to go back to? Phew, all this pondering, guilt and paranoia was exhausting!

I spent a significant amount of time thinking about what was best for Boy Wonder and what was best for my employer, but I also had to consider what was best for me. I like to think I know myself pretty well. I have suffered a form of depression in the past. I am also an introvert and could easily spend my days in isolation, just me, Boy Wonder and Mr Wonderful. However, as a pharmacist I also know that the risk factors for postnatal depression include a past history of depression, isolation and not having time out from caring for baby. According to Beyond Blue, some new mothers may find the change in lifestyle associated with having a new baby hard to deal with. Adjustments such as spending less time with work colleagues, having little time to go out with friends and other social and psychological risk factors may increase the likelihood of developing depression in some women.

Although I worship and adore my Boy Wonder, I sometimes felt isolated and alone at home with him. I craved the stimulation and social contact of my paid work. I needed some adult conversation and some structure. So I exercised my right to choose and have returned to the pharmacy. I’m only working one day a week at the moment, but it’s enough to make me feel like me again.

The key message I would like you take away from this post, is that choosing to return to work post baby is a very personal decision. Instead of criticising, questioning and debating the reasons our fellow mothers choose to return to work or stay at home, let’s just support a mother’s right to choose…

Some useful links related to returning to work after baby:

1. Raising Children Network: Returning to work – a guide

http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/returning_to_work.html

2. Body & Soul: Back to work after baby

http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/parenting+pregnancy/pregnancy/back+to+work+after+baby,15031

3. Family Vie: 10 tips for returning to work after maternity leave

http://www.familyvie.com/2010/09/22/10-tips-for-returning-to-work-after-maternity-leave/

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Who is PharmaMama?

10 Dec

Being a pharmacist is a pretty interesting job. You get to see the very best and the very worst of society. You meet people who astound you with their courage and zest for life, and others who astound you for all the wrong reasons…

I’ve been a pharmacist since 2007, but have been working in pharmacy for about 16 years now. I often wonder how I’ve stayed in the industry this long, when so many others become jaded and disillusioned. For me, it all comes down to location – working in Melbourne’s colourful and crazy bayside suburb St Kilda. Over the years I have had the pleasure of helping people from all walks of life, ranging from locals who have lived in the area for 70 plus years to young families, sex workers and drug addicts. I’ve certainly mixed with some fantastic characters and faced many challenges. However, no challenge has been so great as that of entering the wonderful world of motherhood…

19 weeks ago, Mr Wonderful and I welcomed Boy Wonder into the world. While everyone tells you that your life will never be the same again once you’ve had a child, you can’t truly understand just how life changing it is until you’re in the thick of it. I come from a pretty big family – 3 older siblings with 7 children between them. Mr Wonderful has 2 siblings and 4 nieces and nephews. So to say I’ve got experience with babies and children is somewhat of an understatement. Add to this all my years of experience in pharmacy, the textbooks I memorised through my uni days, and the countless pieces I have written on infant health issues for various clients. With all this experience and theory behind me I thought having a baby would be a breeze. What could possibly go wrong?

The main lesson I have learnt over the past 19 weeks of having Boy Wonder, and the 9 months of pregnancy beforehand, and the 6 months of trying to conceive following a miscarriage at 10 weeks is that this whole baby thing is hard work! You can have all the experience and theoretical knowledge in the world behind you, but it’s a whole new ball game when you’re in the thick of it yourself. And that’s why I decided to start this blog. To be perfectly honest I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, but as blogger and journalist Sarah Wilson wrote in her blog earlier this year, “Enter the fray. Step in, get messy, work it out from there. Just enter.”

And so, here I am. I have entered the fray and am ready to get messy. I am going to attempt to share my journey through motherhood with you out there, and mix in a little of my expertise as a pharmacist as well. I hope you enjoy…

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